Another year is over

I was going to post a delightful,thoughtful and reflective post for the end of the year. I am running out the door to celebrate New Years with Thai food and good friends and of course the World Junior Hockey game! 2011 was a busy year for us and we enjoyed three fabulous vacation trips (Cuba, Calgary & Hungary ).

In the past year I have grown and learned valuable lessons and had some healing along the way. I ran my first 10K and attempted the the CabotTrail relay. I started a new job as nurse educator which I absolutely love and keeps me challenged and busy and I started a meditation practice and leaned closer to my Catholic faith.

I am so blessed to have a wonderful family and network of friends and of course Blaise in my life. He keeps me laughing, and always knows when to say something or to just let me be. His strength and quiet faith and easy going attitude towards life helps to balance my roller coaster of emotions and whims. He is my greatest gift and I am so blessed. Yes I am so blessed so blessed indeed.


Happy New Year and hears to a joy filled adventurous 2012 !

Cheers
Karen

While I am Waiting

Beautiful hopeful song for the Advent Season of waiting and resonates so much for me as I am waiting.

Blessings Karen

Leaning into 40

I can't believe that I am 40? How can that be when I still only feel 25? My motto for the year is Forty Fit and Fabulous ! Age is really a number and I have learned from my experience with working as a nurse and meeting wonderful joyful elderly that it is your spirit and outlook on life that count.

I try to embrace life and take each day as it comes and take responsibility for my attitude and reaction to others around me. I was very sentimental yesterday and the week leading up to my birthday. It has been a wonderful year and Blaise and I have had a lot of fun and travel adventures yet our hearts still are not complete as we continue to wait. The past few months have been more challenging and I have had to turn to prayer to get me through some rough spots of hoping and waiting. I guess I don't mind turning 40 as an age I just am sad that we don't have any children to share and celebrate milestones with. There I said it ! Oh my nerves why do I think I have to be strong all the time and not acknowledge that it is very very emotionally draining to be on the roller coaster of waiting to adopt. I keep thinking maybe we are being too picky, is this really really what we want?

When it comes right down to it my hearts desire is to be a mother and to share parenting with Blaise. I just finished the Alpha course at my church and really enjoyed it and grew in faith and meet some lovely people in my church. It is time for us to stop " sitting at the back " and to start participating in our church community. We have to start making some changes and not " sitting back " and waiting. Yes we enjoy life but lately I am thinking we keep ourselves so busy so we don't have time to really remember that we don't have kids to share our lives with.

So I continue to try to live with a focus on the blessings I do have in my life. I received some beautiful cards for my birthday. My mother gave me such a lovely card,

" You're a great joy giver from God an you've been a special gift since you day you were born " WOW thanks MOM !

With my friends I have a tradition that I ask three birthday questions. This started at work and now I use it with everyone !

1) If you could have dinner with anyone( living /famous or other) who would it be ?
This year I picked Micheal Bouble !
2)What are you most proud of from the past year ?
Training and running Bluenose 10K and Cabot Trail Relay ( although I was slow !)
3) What is your with for the coming year?
To be at peace and let God take control of my life


I had a wonderful birthday. I spent some time at church in the morning for adoration and it really helped to set me on the right course. " I AM with YOU " was my take away from my time in prayer. Then Piper and I had a great walk at Point Pleasent Park. Piper heals and teaches me on every walk. Then I had a spa afternoon and went of supper and drinks with friends.

What a wonderful birthday and Blaise made sure everything was perfect ( if not last minute LOL) He writes the most beautiful cards but this year his card did not need any additions it was perfect.

I am so blessed and I have a responsibility to live each day to the fullest and I plan to strive for this in the coming year.

Many Blessings

Nameste

Advent: A Season of Waiting

Advent is here once again. I have always loved this special time of my Christian faith. Each year I have become more aware of how the spirit of giving and being present and open to receiving gifts is an important part of my spiritual journey. I am annoyed with the " culture of Christmas" of give more spend more and how our society ignores the more important messages of hope, and using our time, talents and treasures to do the Lord's work on earth.

Once again I am reminded that Advent means "waiting". Hmm how can I use this time of spiritual preparation to help heal my heart that is almost broke with the ache of waiting to be a mother. In reflecting on Advent and the miracle of "Mary's Yes" I find myself moved to use this time to have a special devotion to Mary. The blessed mother was a young women afraid of the circumstance she found herself yet trusted in God's providence and allowed " His will to be done". Powerful message of hope and trust and I pray that young women who find themselves pregnant can find the courage, support and faith to choose adoption for there child. In our culture of " quick fixes' abortion is often chooses over adoption. I support a women's right to make the right choice for her body however pray that adoption will triumph over abortion.


I also am finding comfort in Advent as a time of waiting. The waiting in Advent is joyful and expectant. However I am lately finding " waiting", numbing, sad and taking too much of my energy and draining my spirit. Some family members say " oh you must be so excited as you wait for adoption " or forget to even ask us how we are doing. I am so thankful for family and friends who " get it " and have the courage to ask how we are doing and let me know they are praying for us.

So in this first week of advent as I reflect of the " Yes" of Mary I will try to turn my sorrowful waiting into joyful waiting of the unfolding of the dream that God has choosen for Blaise and I to live out as parents. I also have to start to accept that perhaps being parents is not in God's plan for us and he is calling us to spiritual parenthood in another form of service. My hope and wish is that I will continue to have the courage and faith to " say yes Lord " to whatever plan he has for my life.


Many Blessing this Advent and Christmas

Karen

November is Adoption Month

Adoption as an option is my mantra lately. I find it so sad that I don't really see much promotion or advocacy for adoption as an option in Nova Scotia. I know some provinces are doing great work in this area. As I go through this journey and rollercoaster of waiting and from experiences from Special Needs Adoption Day I can't help but wonder if adoption was promoted would many of the situations that children in the system go through have been avoided.

I have to clarify that we fully went into adoption not expecting to adopt an infant and fully aware that we would be open to age range up to 6 yrs old. However lately I have been feeling that I want to do more to promote and support adoption as an option. I don't have any idea how this will look and if I have the heart to do this while I am " waiting".

Right now with November being adoption month I am praying for all the children in care, women struggling with unplanned pregnancy and for strength to continue our hopeful waiting.

Karen

I've Decided to Be Happy

Amazing song that was the opening meditation for Salutation Nation Halifax. 100 People doing yoga on a sunny Saturday what an amazing way to start the day. I have not been writing lately as nothing has changed. However I am continuing on our journey and remain hopefull. However as I approach my 40th birthday in December I am sensing a shift. I spent so much of my thirties focused on trying to get pregnant, decerning if adoption was for me and then waiting. If nothing happens soon I think I am getting closer to being at peace with moving on. I have not made any decisions but I am finding waiting very draining on my energy and I am feeling fine with my life. I remember before I met Blaise "I decided, I am OK if I don't meet a life partner". This was so freeing and shortly after this ephiphany I meet my soul mate. Will next transition be the same ? I leave that up to the infinite power of divine.

This song really touched me and I don't think I will ever be able to listen to it without tears of joy. It touches my soul deeply and I want to share this with others no matter what your life's journey we each have to make decisions along our path.

I am so blessed.

Nameste

Curry European Adventure

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Canada Adopts

The Curry European vacation was amazing. Pics to follow. I am catching up on my blog reading and following sites on adoption. I just came across a posting from May on Canada Adopts. I have not been following this site as I have been getting frustrated with the whole process. This post caught my eye because it was from Halifax. A 40 yr old grandmother to be posted to ask what the process for adoption was in NS. Her 17 yr old daughter was pregnant and they are considering adoption.Others responded about Home of the Guardian Angel and CS. My heart just almost stopped and my first thought was yes please do adoption and PICK ME ! Why I read this site tonight I don't know but now all I can think about is this situation and hope and pray that they make the best decsion for them but really hope they choose adoption and PICK ME or even some other deserving couple. I really hope that young girls are moved to consider the adoption option. Off to bed as I am still on Central European Time ( 5 hrs ahead )

Nameste
Karen

Curry European Vacation

We are currently on the first leg of our trip to Hungary for Blaises cousin Stevens wedding. We spent a lovely hot afternoon with my aunt Sandy and uncle Bill in Boston. We had a great tour of the city and had lunch at the Prudential building. We are relaxing in business class lounge before our flight to Munich then Budapest. I can't believe we are doing this. So happy to say YES to life and opportunities. Looking forward to a great time with the Czifriks and touring Hungary and Austria. Have to make it to Salzburg for tour of Von trapp family estate ! "the hills are alive " The sound music tour " !

Planning on taking lots pictures and enjoying the history and energy of eastern Europe.

I will check in when I can. We have nannies bear "Donald Angus with his Cape Breton tartan updates on our adventures !

Nameste

Karen

Auntie Again

Catherine Elene Pilling has arrived right on time to bless our family with another new life. I am so happy for my sister Valerie and brother in law Jody and the kids. The kids were very excited on the arrival of their baby sister. Anna Mae ( 2 yrs old) is very convinced already that Catherine is " her baby ". I am sure she will enjoy being a big sister. Catherine already has so many people who will live and guide her on her life journey. New life always brings new energy and hope into families.

Mom and dad now have 9 grandchildren and it is wonderful to see my family growing.

Nameste

Cleansing

I have decided that I am not a very good blogger but that is OK ! I have been reading some very moving blogs lately by strong, honest and brave women who write beautifully about life and adoptive parenting. This blog is really for me to " cleanse" and share some of my thoughts, emotions and feelings as we journey on the path that is so unknown and full of twists and turns and darkness. So I write when I feel moved and have something to say mostly as a reminder to ME ! Thanks to the folks that are reading I hope it is a wee bit enjoyable and not too " Poor Me" If it is the later I am definitely quitting blogging !

Last year I did my first " cleanse" in June with consultation and support from Pam Purcell( Natural Pathic Solutions). It was a 21 day cleanse with no wheat, dairy, red meat. I was motivated to see how this would affect me and make me more conscious about the foods and food prep that I choose. It was a wonderful learning experience and after week one I felt amazing, strong, alive and had so much energy. After the cleanse I tried to maintain some of my habits but after a year and a long cold winter and wet dreary spring my body was telling me it was in need of a "tune up ".

I started a modified 14 day cleanse last week. Boy what a different experience from last year. Last week I was such a " bear " and cranky and agitated and tired all the time. I really tuned up my meditations and did a Yin and Yang yoga class but still felt like I was crawling out of my skin. I also started to have some negative, sad almost angry feelings about not yet having adopted and reminders of the pain of the psychological and spiritual pain if infertility. Where the heck did that come from? I am way over that and have moved on,right ? I seem to see pregnant people " everywhere' and last week while walking Piper at Point Pleasant Park I came across a women about my age or younger slowing strolling along with her about 6month old baby in a baby carrier. I was so overcome by sadness " WHY NOT ME " and the lovely women looked so peaceful content and happy. I tried to refocus and connect with nature and let Piper lead me around the park which is my " happy place " and always centers me, but I left feeling unsettled and sad. The next night was grading day and it was a lovely week with finally summer weather. I took Piper for a late dusk walk in our neighborhood and could hear the kids playing,staying up late and having so much fun and the sounds of the laughter was like a dagger to my poor little heart.

So what is all this about? I realized that this year cleansing and " detox" was releasing some stored up emotions and feelings that I have been " running " away from or escaping from. I mean seriously Blaise and I are always " so busy " and do what we please and fully enjoy our freedom that we have because we can and I am grateful for that. Have I really lost touch with my feelings and emotions or was this just my body,mind and spirit telling me to " Release, Cleanse and Let Go " HMM common theme with me. However I also feel like I am in a transition period in my life as I approach 40 in December. I am interested to see how my transition will manifest itself in my life.

Week two is much better and I feel more calm. I do have to say that I did " cheat " a wee bit over the long weekend but hey, sitting around the campsite eating hummuns and carrot sticks is not " camping " . LOL

Nameste

Karen

Running and my adoption journey

I have to admit that I have been recovering the last week. I survived the Bluenose 10K the May long weekend. It was fantastic with so many people and music and cheering it was really exhilarating even with all the hills in this run! My time was not bad 1: 15 but I had really just wanted to run and take it slow as I was gearing up for Cabot Trail Relay 15.1 K the next weekend May 29. I am proud to say that I also just barely survied my run which was leg 15 in Maragree at 5:30 am ! Yes I did make it to the race on time and and yes I did complete this leg. It was a beautiful run in the Margaree Valley and it was not raining and the mist in the hills very inspiring and moving. It was a really quick pace with lots of supper fast runners and then their was me and the "old" people at the end. Now not that I am judging but the " old" people were at least 20 -25 yrs older than me, and they passed me ! Oh well I am confident enough and not competetive that it was OK as long as I was not last. Well that lasted for about 30 min then I heard a rumbling and it was the St.John's Ambulance behind me. The 3 people behind me dropped out so now I was last. All I could do was run and laugh. I turned it around to a positive thinking " Hey I am just like Terry Fox with my own support van ". Slow and steady and I walked more than I ran. Around 12K my right IT band seized up and I was in agony and could not run so power walked to the end.

Most folks had moved on to the next leg but their was one team who always cheers in the last runner of each leg. They cheered and had a banner for me to run through ! I could have hugged each and everyone of them. Yes I did make it and I did complete, it was tough leg but I just kept going. Running races I find really can bring up lots of emotions. In both the Bluenose and the Relay I had moments when I almost was overcome and cried with joy that I was doing this, I was alive , I was moving I was breathing and every cell in my body was celebrating life. I have to say this experience also has made me more determined to be a better runner, be in better shape and train smarter for other races and look out next year, I will have a strong finish and make the mat this time!


Reflecting on our adoption journey, it does compare to preparing for race day. Training is like the preparation and waiting for the home study part of adoption. You have good days and bad days but you keep going because you know it will be all worth it in the end. As Race day approaches you get excited but nervous at the same time. Their is lots of energy at the start line and you tend to run to fast off the mark and then settle into a comfortable pace that is yours alone, " run your own race". HMM the adoption journey is exciting when you first get your approval and folks are encourgaing and asking when will you recieve a referal and you reply " It could be any day now " and you believe it. Then you settle back into your life and " get on with the living " but remembering that hey you are on a journey. I guess in terms of a race Blaise and I are comfortably settled into our pace, living our life and still planning trips. Although lately I have had " whisperings " that something is going to happen. When we do finally get our " call" it will be like the last charge for the finish line and proud that we " did it " and succeeded in goal.

Of course when the race is over, planning for the next race and how to best train begins. When the joyous " call' comes Blaise and I will start another journey as parents and need the support of " training partners' to support us as we discover the joys and challenges of parenting.

So here is to my new found love of running and I look forward to improving and to be open to the inspiration and " whisperings" along the way.

Very moving song that fits with the hope of adoption

Refections of Respite Part 2

To be honest I was very overwhelmed by my emotions last week that it has taken some time to reflect.

Our weekend overall was very positive and the little guy was very charming and tried very hard to be " good ". He was very active but also very focused on the Wii game and playing Pokeman games on the laptop. So basically hubby and I were very cool as we had a Wii with games he has not played( SuperMario soccer ?? ).

It was challenging emotionally for me because he was so craving affection and attention. For instance when getting ready for bed the first night he " thank me for opening our home to him as he can be pretty tricky " and he always wanted to hug and wanted to snuggle which really took me by surprise and I tried to redirect and let him know I was not comfortable with that right now. He also said " I never know if I am going to like respite people or if they are going to like me but I love you guys and your dog Piper is awsome ". Oh my poor little heart was breaking for him.

So it was the little things as well as his knowledge of the system and learned helplessness that I found challenging emotionally for me. He was 9 and he was used to having things done for him and I realize it may be easier for the fostermom just to do but he did not want to mix or cut up his own food " no I always make a mess and can't do it you need to do it " , tying sneakers was another area " I can't tie my shoes I fail at everthing and can't remember how ".
Of course this may be part of his learning disablities or he may have been testing me to see what I would do.

All in all now that I have had time to reflect I realize " it is not about me ", however I need to analyze me emotions and be aware of any triggers for me so I can be prepared for other respites.

Our SW asked if we would be interested in doing regular respite for this little boy so we are going to consider this option.

I definitely have an new found respect for the wonderful work that foster parents do everyday to suppport children in care.

Cheers
Karen

Reflections of Respite

Well we survived ! and had a great weekend.It was a positive experience overall however I am left feeling very confused and unsure about how to proceed with future respites. I don't know if I am ready to fully talk about it. He was a sweet boy but very challenging and so starved for affection. It was clear very early on that he was " used to the system"and some of his comments broke my heart. Getting ready for bed the first night after only knowing us for 3 hrs for instance " I never know if I am going to like respite or if they are going to like me but I love you guys and I really like it here " He also thanked me " for your hospitality and for having me in your home, I can be pretty tricky folks say ". Oh my nerves!I thought respite for older kids would be less heartbreaking boy was I wrong.


I have to really process my emotions and reactions to see how to proceed. Maybe I am way too soft hearted to do respite. I am going to try to reach out to other foster parents and respite couples to see how they cope with the potential heartbreak and deal with emotions from respite.




The journey continues !

Karen

First Respite and Bluenose Weekend

In about 4 hrs Blaise and I will be starting our first respite weekend. I am a wee bit nervous but also looking forward to this experience. We will be spending our weekend with a very " active " 9 yr boy. I had a good chat with the foster mom earlier this week and she gave me lots of information to help our weekend go smoothly.

We decided to do respite for " older children" 5 - 10yrs of age even though our profile for adoption indicates 0 - 6 yrs. I have heard wonderful stories where foster to adopt or respite for little ones has transitioned into permanent placements. However I have also heard the heartbreaking stories of foster to adopt. I may be being selfish however I have had enough heartbreak in my journey that I don't want to be set up for heartbreak. However now that the time is coming close to this respite I am thinking " Oh my nerves doing respite for older children can also cause heartbreak " What if I come to realize that older children are a better fit for us and give up my dream of adopting a younger child to nuture and grow with. I mean I have some wonderful examples of couples who were waiting and did recieve infant adoption. These stories have opened my heart to the hope that this may be in the stars for me and Blaise.

Anyhoo we will enjoy our weekend and I am sure we will have a great weekend and learn some new things and grow from this experience.


I am running 10 K in the Bluenose this weekend as as " primer " for Cabot Trail Relay 15K next weekend. I am so excited to get out on the road with so many folks and to feel the thrill of accomplishment of completing this race. I have trained ( not too hard ) and I love the feeling of being alive while runnning and on the cool down. Every cell in your body gets energized from running and it is an awsome experience. I am so proud of myself for taking the leap and starting on my running path. My goal for next year is the 1/2 Marathon for the Bluenose.


Here's to a great May long weekend.

Cheers
Karen

Mother's Day

Another Mother's Day is almost here. This year I don't want to hide away and pretend that I don't know " what day it is "! Another year trying to find peace and grace as we wait and wait for God to open the eyes of our heart to the plan for our family. I have not had much new to say, I know I know I am never at a loss for words but I think I have said it all. I am waiting ! We are waiting and we are living.

On a rainy Saturday night with the hockey game on in the background( Go Canucks Go !) I have been browsing Catholic adoption blogs and looking for some inspiring poems or music to lift my spirits this Mother's Day. I came across this song and I love it and going to seek out other music by this group.

Your love Never Fails

A Prayer for NOW

This week I attended my parish lenten mission. It was a very moving experience and the spirit was moving for sure. The simple message to " let God in to do the work " , " let go of struggle and allow God space in your life " " Letting go and change is hard but God can break down your barries if you let him in ". Wow very powerful and of course very relevant to me and Blaise.

I finally get it ! I am not in control ! Things are going to work out as they are meant to be. Why do I keep trying to " do it on my own " and try to pretend that I have control over when and how our adoption story is going to turn out. What a relief ! Now I can just continue to enjoy life and live in the NOW.

A Prayer for NOW

Lord, let me be where I am, right now. Let me accept myself and love myself as i am right now - this moment , without a single thing being differnet.

You love me now. Let me love me now ! Lord, let me live in the now because you are there.

I can't meet you in the past or the future. If that is where I always am, I will miss you and I will miss what you are doing now!

I want to be able to see the beauty of what you are about.

Lord, help me to be silent for at least a few moments. Help me to quiet not only my tongue, but also my restless mind and heart.

If I cannot be quiet, how will I ever hear your gentle voice pleading with me to come to you and receive your rest ?

( shared by Fr. A.MacDonald Companions of the Cross )

Nameste

Karen

Adoption Magazine: What Not to Expect When You're Expecting

Adoption Magazine: What Not to Expect When You're Expecting: "author: Sheri Nope, this post isn't about the acclaimed book teaching you about pregnancy, birth and that first year with your newborn.&nbsp..."

Heading West

Well I thought my year of travel was complete. However a few weeks ago I received the OK to accept a request for a return visit to one of the First Nation communities that participated in the VON Aboriginal Health Initiative. So Blaise and I are heading to Calgary on Wednesday and staying until Monday. Really looking forward to spending time with Andy and Amanda and seeing their new house and seeing Rodney and Lanette and skiing at Kicking Horse again this year.
It is kind of a 40th birthday cerebration for Rodney and Blaise as they celebrate a day apart March 28 and March 29. Looking forward to a great weekend.

We had a meeting with Home of the Guardian angel social worker this week to review our file and our letter to birthmom. We decided to have our names on this route as well even though it takes very long with very little placements. Seven placements in the last two years. However you never know, why not us ! I am just putting that intention out there and open to whatever route our children come into our lives.

We have also decided to do respite care for foster families and will be meeting with another social worker at the end of the month. We feel like we have to do something proactive while we wait.

Another Special Needs Adoption Day is April 2. I have mixed feelings about this as they are so heartbreaking and you have to be so honest with yourself in the type of care you are willing to take on. You leave those days mind, body and spiritually drained. However I feel it is all part of what we must do. Waiting certainly challenges your resolve to if you really want to adopt! Crazy I know. The other morning as I was doing a meditation of releasing fear, I realized that my greatest fear is that I will be " paralyzed by fear when we finally adopt " I mean how do I know that I am going to be a good parent, that I will have all the skills to nurture and guide a child on there journey. I am told by friends that they had similar feelings when they were pregnant and that a " healthy" dose of fear is normal.

I have been reading a very courageous blog about a new adoptive mom who waited for so long for her wee on from Ethiopia and is journeying through Post Adoption Depression. Wow, very brave to share her story and it is making me more aware that this can happen. So I guess I am preparing my " nest " and getting ready for whatever comes our way whenever it comes our way.

Now of to dream of skiing in powder !

Cheers
Karen

"Warming up to Winter " Post Cuba Haze

Well old man winter is still here ! It was so lovely to get away and spend a week relaxing and being taken care off. It is soo hard to come back in the dead of winter and deal with the cold ! I love winter but I also love the beach so to have the two collide kind of threw me off.

We had a blast with Danielle and Roy, great travelling buddies. The Melia Las Dunas Resort was amazing. Our highlight was the Cataraman trip and the time with the dolphins. I almost cried so much energy and personality. Thankfully they were in a natural bay and were rescued dolphins. I was so honored to have had the brief time with these amazing creatures.

Great to spend a week unplugged and quality time with Blaise. We are so go go go all the time that this week was just what we needed to reconnect and recharge.

I am so grateful that we took this trip and now I must get back into the "real world "

Karen

Leaving on a Jet Plane today

What a great winter day to be leaving on a jet plane to tropical Cuba ! We decided on Cuba a week ago and booked the trip in a very stormy day. Today it is snowy just a bit with wind gusts and temperature - 10.

Looking forward to a week of RELAX with Blaise and fun with Danielle and Roy.

Santa Maria Cuba is our destination.

ALOHA !

Karen

Saints Bowing in the Mountains

Do you know how beautiful you are?

I think not, my dear.

For as you talk of God,

I see great parades with wildly colorful bands

Streaming from your mind and heart,

Carrying wonderful and secret messages

To every corner of this world.

I see saints bowing in the mountains

Hundreds of miles away

To the wonder of sounds

That break into light

From your most common words.

Speak to me of your mother,

Your cousins and your friends.

Tell me of squirrels and birds you know.

Awaken your legion of nightingales—

Let them soar wild and free in the sky.

And begin to sing to God.

Let’s all begin to sing to God!

Do you know how beautiful you are?

I think not, my dear,

Yet Hafiz

Could set you upon a Stage

And worship you forever!

--Hafiz


This poem was presented at the end of Day 15 Chopra Center 21 Day Mediation Challenge. What a wonderful message for today's world.

I would highly recommend checking out the Chopra Center website and the resources online, beautiful inspiring resources to help us all be who we are meant to be " Divine Children of God " . I am finding that I am NOT having a difficult time reconciling my Catholic beliefs and the works and words and messages from Deepak Chopra. In fact I think this process of learning more about the Chopra Center and its work and starting a meditation practice has actually brough be closer to my Catholic faith. After all isn't the message of Jesus, of love, going with in to find your peace and to give back to the world.

Nameste

Karen

Date Night

Blaise and I had a good old fashion date night Friday night. It was our first time together skating on the Halifax Oval. It was a cold clear night but was great for skating. It was so much fun and it was packed. Lots of mixture of ages and skating abilitites. I have always loved to skate but only get skating about once or twice a year. It does not take me long to get my " skates" underneath me and skate like the wind. I like the freedom and sense of floating that skating provides. Blaise of course is on the ice a couple of times a week, with officiating roles. I think I cramped his skating style but we had lots of laps and had a great time.

Such a great thing to see folks out enjoying winter in Halifax.

Cheers
Karen

One Year Down

One year ago today we were officially "approved" to be adoptive parents. Blaise sent me a plant at work with a note " WE DID IT : Ruggrats on the way ". Dont' I look like I am going to jump out of my skin. I hear social workers talk oh you have not been waiting that long, hello, I think a year is a long time. However ! We will wait as long as it takes because I know our family will be the family we are meant to have at the right time in the big plan of things.

So we wait and enjoy our life and live our life and continue to grow and celebrate each day we are given.

Que sera sera , What will be will be

Nameste

Karen

Letting Go of Fear

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, 'Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous?'

Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of the universe; your playing small doesn't serve the world. There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so other people won't feel insecure around you. We are born to make manifest the glory of all that's within us. It's not just in some of us, it's in everyone.

And as we let our light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others"
— Marianne Williamson (A Return to Love: Reflections on the Principles of "A Course in Miracles")

Wow I have always loved this quote. One day I have to commit to doing the Course in Miracles. I have signed up to receive newsletters from Marianne Williamson and this quote was on the latest newsletter. Just what I needed to be reminded of today.

I have been struggling over the weekend because I received wonderful news about a friend of mine who has been waiting for and infant adoption for 8 years. Today they picked up their baby boy. I am so thrilled for them but have mixed feelings because I am fearful that Blaise and I will not get to experience that joyful call and rush to prepare for a child to enter our family.

However received a very special blessing this morning in my meditation. While I was meditating and deep breathing I had a sense of peace and presence and a knowing that I had to let go of my sadness, let go, let go and live joyfully and " I am with you " voice calmed me and supported me. Goose bump and joyful tears time. OK GOD you are shouting at me again ! I am also very moved by music and often a church song will get stuck in my head after a mediation. This morning( in the shower) I started to sing " Only a shadow ". "The love I have for you is only a shadow of my love for you,only a shadow of my love for you ,my deep abiding love " Yep another goose bump moment.

So no looking back only forward one moment and one day at a time. Our joyful day will come.


Nameste
Karen

Winter Walk : Good for the Soul

I can't believe it is the end of January already ! WOW, Hmm how am I doing being calm and focused ? Well lately not that great. I am really restless, and very emotional lately. I really have to go back to my Chopra Center book and review what I need to do to bring balance to my " Pitta Vatta" life.

I have decided that we have to get our " house" in order. Literally lots of house projects and mind body spirit preparation and organization. Blaise and I are so easy going that we " kind" of have a plan but hey just like Piper if something fun comes along Oh yeah we are in !

I just needed some time in the woods with my honey and my doggy today. It did me a world of good. Unfortuately the sun was gone when we got out but it was a great walk at Long Lake ( on the lake). Jasper joined us as well so Piper and Jasper who have not had a run together in a long time had a great walk.

Thanks Blaise for our walk this afternoon. I feel much more balanced

Here are a few pictures.

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Short List

I mentioned in October that we attended a Special Needs Adoption Day ( SNA Day )and put our profile forward for a 5 year old girl. Well yesterday we received a call from Linda ( adoption worker )for an update. We were not the successful candidate but we did make the " short list " . To be honest I really had almost forgotten about this possibility but to hear for sure that it was a " NO GO " really made me sad. I am happy that this little girl will be adopted and that a lucky couple are very excited. After all it is all about finding homes for children not " children for couples ".

I truly believe that things happen for a reason but" HELLO GOD " when is it going to me our turn? I have never gone down the road of " what is wrong with me during infertility " and have never gone " what is wrong with us " for adoption but I, WE are only human. I did not sleep well last night. I really relied on my meditation, prayer and energy work to not let myself have a " Pity Party for One " , while Blaise was snoring by the way ! I kept coming back to it is not our time, we will be blessed and GOD has something really special waiting for us.

However lately I have been thinking alot about twins. Last night I had a dream about 1 yr old twins a boy and a girl. Is it a sign ? I guess time will tell.

So I am OK and know that our time will come and I am only human and it is OK to be " a little sad " that waiting is the story of our life at present.

On another note, moving forward we are going forward with doing respite for foster families and this approval requires an addition to our home study. So this will be another process and waiting.

Looking forward to our vacation to Punta Cana in February with Danielle and Roy. Beach, sun and fruity drinks , Ah RELAX ! Nice way to " wait "

Cheers
Karen

Welcome 2011

Wow 2011 ! Remember when we had a hard time getting used to the next decade ! Time to start fresh and another chance to do it right this year. In looking back to last year I was very hopeful and optimistic for what 2010 was going to bring my way. Not that I am not hopeful this year I think I am more contained in my hopes and don't really have any " great expectations " this year. My plan is to continue to stay in the " now" and concentrate on being grateful for what I have in my life. 2010 was a crazy busy year at work for me with lots of travel. I enjoyed the opportunities and experiences but I am looking forward to staying put in NS for the most part this year.

I have been so busy busy I feel like I need to slow down and create some space in my life. I have been trying to think of what my theme for 2011 is going to be.

My theme for 2011 : Calm and Focus


Here's to 2011 one moment and one day at a time

Nameste