Cleansing

I have decided that I am not a very good blogger but that is OK ! I have been reading some very moving blogs lately by strong, honest and brave women who write beautifully about life and adoptive parenting. This blog is really for me to " cleanse" and share some of my thoughts, emotions and feelings as we journey on the path that is so unknown and full of twists and turns and darkness. So I write when I feel moved and have something to say mostly as a reminder to ME ! Thanks to the folks that are reading I hope it is a wee bit enjoyable and not too " Poor Me" If it is the later I am definitely quitting blogging !

Last year I did my first " cleanse" in June with consultation and support from Pam Purcell( Natural Pathic Solutions). It was a 21 day cleanse with no wheat, dairy, red meat. I was motivated to see how this would affect me and make me more conscious about the foods and food prep that I choose. It was a wonderful learning experience and after week one I felt amazing, strong, alive and had so much energy. After the cleanse I tried to maintain some of my habits but after a year and a long cold winter and wet dreary spring my body was telling me it was in need of a "tune up ".

I started a modified 14 day cleanse last week. Boy what a different experience from last year. Last week I was such a " bear " and cranky and agitated and tired all the time. I really tuned up my meditations and did a Yin and Yang yoga class but still felt like I was crawling out of my skin. I also started to have some negative, sad almost angry feelings about not yet having adopted and reminders of the pain of the psychological and spiritual pain if infertility. Where the heck did that come from? I am way over that and have moved on,right ? I seem to see pregnant people " everywhere' and last week while walking Piper at Point Pleasant Park I came across a women about my age or younger slowing strolling along with her about 6month old baby in a baby carrier. I was so overcome by sadness " WHY NOT ME " and the lovely women looked so peaceful content and happy. I tried to refocus and connect with nature and let Piper lead me around the park which is my " happy place " and always centers me, but I left feeling unsettled and sad. The next night was grading day and it was a lovely week with finally summer weather. I took Piper for a late dusk walk in our neighborhood and could hear the kids playing,staying up late and having so much fun and the sounds of the laughter was like a dagger to my poor little heart.

So what is all this about? I realized that this year cleansing and " detox" was releasing some stored up emotions and feelings that I have been " running " away from or escaping from. I mean seriously Blaise and I are always " so busy " and do what we please and fully enjoy our freedom that we have because we can and I am grateful for that. Have I really lost touch with my feelings and emotions or was this just my body,mind and spirit telling me to " Release, Cleanse and Let Go " HMM common theme with me. However I also feel like I am in a transition period in my life as I approach 40 in December. I am interested to see how my transition will manifest itself in my life.

Week two is much better and I feel more calm. I do have to say that I did " cheat " a wee bit over the long weekend but hey, sitting around the campsite eating hummuns and carrot sticks is not " camping " . LOL

Nameste

Karen

Running and my adoption journey

I have to admit that I have been recovering the last week. I survived the Bluenose 10K the May long weekend. It was fantastic with so many people and music and cheering it was really exhilarating even with all the hills in this run! My time was not bad 1: 15 but I had really just wanted to run and take it slow as I was gearing up for Cabot Trail Relay 15.1 K the next weekend May 29. I am proud to say that I also just barely survied my run which was leg 15 in Maragree at 5:30 am ! Yes I did make it to the race on time and and yes I did complete this leg. It was a beautiful run in the Margaree Valley and it was not raining and the mist in the hills very inspiring and moving. It was a really quick pace with lots of supper fast runners and then their was me and the "old" people at the end. Now not that I am judging but the " old" people were at least 20 -25 yrs older than me, and they passed me ! Oh well I am confident enough and not competetive that it was OK as long as I was not last. Well that lasted for about 30 min then I heard a rumbling and it was the St.John's Ambulance behind me. The 3 people behind me dropped out so now I was last. All I could do was run and laugh. I turned it around to a positive thinking " Hey I am just like Terry Fox with my own support van ". Slow and steady and I walked more than I ran. Around 12K my right IT band seized up and I was in agony and could not run so power walked to the end.

Most folks had moved on to the next leg but their was one team who always cheers in the last runner of each leg. They cheered and had a banner for me to run through ! I could have hugged each and everyone of them. Yes I did make it and I did complete, it was tough leg but I just kept going. Running races I find really can bring up lots of emotions. In both the Bluenose and the Relay I had moments when I almost was overcome and cried with joy that I was doing this, I was alive , I was moving I was breathing and every cell in my body was celebrating life. I have to say this experience also has made me more determined to be a better runner, be in better shape and train smarter for other races and look out next year, I will have a strong finish and make the mat this time!


Reflecting on our adoption journey, it does compare to preparing for race day. Training is like the preparation and waiting for the home study part of adoption. You have good days and bad days but you keep going because you know it will be all worth it in the end. As Race day approaches you get excited but nervous at the same time. Their is lots of energy at the start line and you tend to run to fast off the mark and then settle into a comfortable pace that is yours alone, " run your own race". HMM the adoption journey is exciting when you first get your approval and folks are encourgaing and asking when will you recieve a referal and you reply " It could be any day now " and you believe it. Then you settle back into your life and " get on with the living " but remembering that hey you are on a journey. I guess in terms of a race Blaise and I are comfortably settled into our pace, living our life and still planning trips. Although lately I have had " whisperings " that something is going to happen. When we do finally get our " call" it will be like the last charge for the finish line and proud that we " did it " and succeeded in goal.

Of course when the race is over, planning for the next race and how to best train begins. When the joyous " call' comes Blaise and I will start another journey as parents and need the support of " training partners' to support us as we discover the joys and challenges of parenting.

So here is to my new found love of running and I look forward to improving and to be open to the inspiration and " whisperings" along the way.

Very moving song that fits with the hope of adoption

Refections of Respite Part 2

To be honest I was very overwhelmed by my emotions last week that it has taken some time to reflect.

Our weekend overall was very positive and the little guy was very charming and tried very hard to be " good ". He was very active but also very focused on the Wii game and playing Pokeman games on the laptop. So basically hubby and I were very cool as we had a Wii with games he has not played( SuperMario soccer ?? ).

It was challenging emotionally for me because he was so craving affection and attention. For instance when getting ready for bed the first night he " thank me for opening our home to him as he can be pretty tricky " and he always wanted to hug and wanted to snuggle which really took me by surprise and I tried to redirect and let him know I was not comfortable with that right now. He also said " I never know if I am going to like respite people or if they are going to like me but I love you guys and your dog Piper is awsome ". Oh my poor little heart was breaking for him.

So it was the little things as well as his knowledge of the system and learned helplessness that I found challenging emotionally for me. He was 9 and he was used to having things done for him and I realize it may be easier for the fostermom just to do but he did not want to mix or cut up his own food " no I always make a mess and can't do it you need to do it " , tying sneakers was another area " I can't tie my shoes I fail at everthing and can't remember how ".
Of course this may be part of his learning disablities or he may have been testing me to see what I would do.

All in all now that I have had time to reflect I realize " it is not about me ", however I need to analyze me emotions and be aware of any triggers for me so I can be prepared for other respites.

Our SW asked if we would be interested in doing regular respite for this little boy so we are going to consider this option.

I definitely have an new found respect for the wonderful work that foster parents do everyday to suppport children in care.

Cheers
Karen

Reflections of Respite

Well we survived ! and had a great weekend.It was a positive experience overall however I am left feeling very confused and unsure about how to proceed with future respites. I don't know if I am ready to fully talk about it. He was a sweet boy but very challenging and so starved for affection. It was clear very early on that he was " used to the system"and some of his comments broke my heart. Getting ready for bed the first night after only knowing us for 3 hrs for instance " I never know if I am going to like respite or if they are going to like me but I love you guys and I really like it here " He also thanked me " for your hospitality and for having me in your home, I can be pretty tricky folks say ". Oh my nerves!I thought respite for older kids would be less heartbreaking boy was I wrong.


I have to really process my emotions and reactions to see how to proceed. Maybe I am way too soft hearted to do respite. I am going to try to reach out to other foster parents and respite couples to see how they cope with the potential heartbreak and deal with emotions from respite.




The journey continues !

Karen

First Respite and Bluenose Weekend

In about 4 hrs Blaise and I will be starting our first respite weekend. I am a wee bit nervous but also looking forward to this experience. We will be spending our weekend with a very " active " 9 yr boy. I had a good chat with the foster mom earlier this week and she gave me lots of information to help our weekend go smoothly.

We decided to do respite for " older children" 5 - 10yrs of age even though our profile for adoption indicates 0 - 6 yrs. I have heard wonderful stories where foster to adopt or respite for little ones has transitioned into permanent placements. However I have also heard the heartbreaking stories of foster to adopt. I may be being selfish however I have had enough heartbreak in my journey that I don't want to be set up for heartbreak. However now that the time is coming close to this respite I am thinking " Oh my nerves doing respite for older children can also cause heartbreak " What if I come to realize that older children are a better fit for us and give up my dream of adopting a younger child to nuture and grow with. I mean I have some wonderful examples of couples who were waiting and did recieve infant adoption. These stories have opened my heart to the hope that this may be in the stars for me and Blaise.

Anyhoo we will enjoy our weekend and I am sure we will have a great weekend and learn some new things and grow from this experience.


I am running 10 K in the Bluenose this weekend as as " primer " for Cabot Trail Relay 15K next weekend. I am so excited to get out on the road with so many folks and to feel the thrill of accomplishment of completing this race. I have trained ( not too hard ) and I love the feeling of being alive while runnning and on the cool down. Every cell in your body gets energized from running and it is an awsome experience. I am so proud of myself for taking the leap and starting on my running path. My goal for next year is the 1/2 Marathon for the Bluenose.


Here's to a great May long weekend.

Cheers
Karen

Mother's Day

Another Mother's Day is almost here. This year I don't want to hide away and pretend that I don't know " what day it is "! Another year trying to find peace and grace as we wait and wait for God to open the eyes of our heart to the plan for our family. I have not had much new to say, I know I know I am never at a loss for words but I think I have said it all. I am waiting ! We are waiting and we are living.

On a rainy Saturday night with the hockey game on in the background( Go Canucks Go !) I have been browsing Catholic adoption blogs and looking for some inspiring poems or music to lift my spirits this Mother's Day. I came across this song and I love it and going to seek out other music by this group.

Your love Never Fails